I have been trying to tap into it for some time now. I even shared some thoughts here. I have been looking at it from every angle I came across. Let me tell you where that got me 🙂
Yoga Sutras of Patanjali mention the three gunas that characterise human experience. One of them is rajas. It is a state of energy, passion, movement, but also anger, anxiety and difficulty to rest. PMDD involves a very rajasic experience, especially in women with high pitta dosha, that becomes uncontrollable during the week leading to the onset of a period, so when pitta is especially high. (Ayurvedic view on PMDD: link).
As I got to India, I asked my guru for guidance. A lot of feminine women get angry. Couples fight since forever and there is nothing wrong with that. There are cultures famous for their combativeness. Latin American women for example, they fight and they make up vigorously. Indian women do that too and the same applies to women from Africa. Irish girls have that reputation too. For some reason my fights would turn bitter and push things to their end. What did my guru tell me? I have a mind like a man. I am impatient. Men are like enemies to me.
Masculinity in a relationship
I recently came across Jake Woodard and the polarity – related content that he shared. I was just in the middle of a PMDD-related struggle and one thing resonated very strongly, it almost felt as if it was the very heart of it. Feeling of safety. I am speaking about my own experience, but I believe this applies to other women as well.
| Signs of wounded masculine energy | Signs of wounded feminine energy |
| Forceful/aggressive Controlling Overgiving Overworking Overly self-protective Hyper-analytical Isolated/hyper-independent Emotionally numb | Emotionally chaotic Weak boundaries Heavy shame and guilt Over-explaining Hyper codependence Feels too much/unworthy Timidness/repressed Blocked sexual energy |
| Signs of healthy masculine energy | Signs of healthy feminine energy |
| Present Grounded Healthy leadership Decisive Healthy boundaries Structures&disciplined Clear direction Listening/observing Sexual energy/vitality | Healthy and honest expression Intuitive Radiance/warmth Receptive Healthy boundaries Magnetic Sexual energy/vitality Openness Discerning |
How does this relate to me?
I seem to function in three boxes from the table above: healthy feminine energy (when I am single), healthy masculine energy (when I work) and wounded masculine energy (when I am in relationship). Of course I have recollection of staying in the wounded feminine box, but years of therapy and self reflection massively helped with that.
I am very sensitive, feminine and soft. To have some harmony in a way I relate to the world, I need containment. It does not have to be masculine, I have received that from my female friends before and it did work very well to calm me down. This is however not sustainable as most females need that masculine energy from the outside too.
Apple flavoured dreams
When a woman does not have masculine protection from the outside, she develops her own masculinity. There are movies about it! (“Without Men” or “Sexmission”). I did that too. I literally sat down and thought: I have dreams of what a man could be like for me. Maybe I should not rely on men to give that to me? Maybe I should create this on my own, within myself? There was symbolism accompanying this independence, as it was at the beginning of my professional career, when I was just learning how to be decisive, independent and strong.
My father, and my grandfather before him, had one habit that I found particularly grounding. When he came home from work in the evening, he would sit down, in the kitchen or in the armchair. He would take a bowl of apples and he would start cutting them in quarters, sometimes eights and then peeling them. A lot of that would go to children, he would share with everyone. That is what I felt when I imagined my dream man. I wanted a man to this for me, peel and cut apples, and to share them with me. But then I did not want to wait for it to come from the outside. I started cutting my own apples.
I spent years repressing my femininity. Being feminine was strongly discouraged by my family, as if the only worth would sit in being a male. Despite that I was not able to develop that grounding masculine side, or at least not when relating to myself.
PMDD is driven by fear
Whenever I had a conflict with my family growing up, my mom would label it as anger and would try to persuade me that I should work on not being angry. So I did my best to understand anger. Anger gives me energy and motivation to change. When I feel angry, I tend to outgrow myself, change my life and transform it into something beautiful.
“Anger is an an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be. When we feel anger, we believe that someone or something else is to blame for an unfair or unjust situation, and that something can be done to resolve the problem. Anger is an action emotion – we want to do something when we feel it and when we’re on the receiving end of it.” – Brené Brown “Atlas of the Heart”
Anger does not make me fight. I may engage in a conflict which ends very quickly. During my struggles I did not feel anger. I felt fear. I felt like my life was threatened, like I was going to die. Like there was only one possibility to resolve this: develop this side of me that is able to defend and protect myself. The more the world outside would invalidate my feelings, the more my protective side would jump to my defense. I do not have much experience of having someone in my corner.
“Fear is a negative, short-lasting, high-alert emotion in response to a perceived threat, and, like anxiety, it can be measured as a state or trait. (…) Fear arises when we need to respond quickly to physical or psychological danger that is present and imminent. Because fear is a rapid-fire emotion, the physiological reaction can sometimes occur before we even realize that we are afraid. The typical responses are fight, flight, or freeze.” – Brené Brown “Atlas of the Heart”
This is not only me. There is a strong correlation between sexual harassment and prevalence of PMDD. One of the frequent consequences of sexual violence is PTSD. Even milder in form sexual harassment massively impacts feeling of safety. It is maybe worth noting that women experience way more fear than men do. This could explain why PMDD is more common in less developed countries (15% in Arab countries compared to 5-8% in worldwide).
Habitual masculinity
PMDD is more prevalent in women operating in highly competitive fields. To do well in a job, it is often good to be present, grounded, decisive, structured, disciplined and active. Then I take that home and start competing with my man.
When I am in my masculine mode, focused on my job, what men do I attract? Feminine men, those with wounded feminine energy qualities. They do not make me feel safe – they make me feel used. How does my behaviour change then? I become like a wounded man.
Things I am more than familiar with in my relationships involve: giving gifts, chatting up(=chasing), coming up with ideas, making all the decisions and seeking clarity in communication. When hurt and disappointed, I would lose trust and become guarded. I would start competing, controlling and become hyper independent. I would start to overwork and self-isolate. And all that would make me very unhappy. The moment my man asks me to guide and tell him what to do is the moment when I start feeling unsafe. Shortly after, hell breaks loose.
Men can help make all things better
Men can inspire women to soften and open. They can learn to read the room and make a game out of making her feel safe. They can hear them out with groundedness and help become less ovewhelmed.
My personal experiences seem to be supporting all the above. I have an experience of containing my dysphoric outburst a few months ago. I was sharing a flat with a girl that had many masculine qualities. No wonder, she was a lesbian. We got into a fight, when I felt unsafe, overwhelmed and I lost control over everything that was pouring out of me. She remained calm. Then she validated everything I was trying to hide. Like a healthy grounded masculine individual, she pierced through whatever I was holding at that moment.
Now I understand why SSRIs did not seem to work. Similar experience was shared by Ayelet Waldman in her book “A really good day” about microdosing LSD for PMDD. Her situation improved when she admitted care from her man into her life.
Another descriptive example was provided by Tina Williams in her book “The Woman in the Basement”. Surrounded by the military, acknowledging the presence of fear in her life, her entrepreneurial qualities were impressive. My humble attempts to lead at work are minor compared to hers. And things seemed to get better only when she acknowledged that she needs to be held by others too.
I had a nice run of a relatively stable and peaceful time in a relationship. My man was leading strongly and clearly. He was masculine and I felt safe enough to explore things that were traumatising for me before. He even said my PMDD is potentially a jewel that should be treasured: this is a part of me that loves me most. I really felt like a woman with him. When Jake Woodard talks about everything that a nurturing female gives to a man, I felt that. My ex thanked me for stopping him from overworking, from falling into depression, for helping him believe in himself and for my wisdom. I did not know that at the time, but now reading about it, it hit close to home. Of course there were imperfections and challenges. I would not get back together with him. But he blessed me with a reference of what happy can feel like.
How to get out of the loop?
Jake Woodard suggests men are becoming weak due to the overstimulation, distractions, indulgence in porn and instant gratification, extremely unhealthy food industry and lack of the rite of passage. Men may be becoming weak because times are too good, as supported by experiments with mice.
He goes on about women: we are rigid due to the hustle culture, unhealthy food, hookup culture, pressure to be hyperindependent and extreme criticism of men. He also talks about women being hurt by masculinity.
It was definitely hard for me to embrace my femininity hearing comments that I am vain when trying to be playful about my looks. I am also afraid of being seen as lazy when I am trying to relax after all the hustle experienced in the last few months. I suppose there is a bit of wounded feminine in me, as I felt strongly ashamed of that.
Some of those things are behavioural and can be addressed by changing the lifestyle. There is hardly anything I imagine can be done about the overpopulation. Well, maybe except for colonising Mars, which could be a reason to see some good in Elon Musk. Or doing psychedelics, which may alter our evolutionary path and enable us to create mechanisms that more evolved individuals will be able to carry further to the future generations.
There is one thing I appreciate: healing. We tend to seek toxic experiences due to the unfinished business that we carry. Some experiences could be as easy as early childhood programming. How about that feeling of fear? When we heal our wounds, we grow out of the unhealthy behaviours so that they do not fit anymore. We can increase our tolerance for discomfort so that we can be aware of our knots by doing yoga, journalling, meditating or microdosing psychedelics. We cannot heal until we are aware of what we are healing. Then we could directly seek to integrate the shadow by means of ayahuasca, therapy or Radical Forgiveness. I suppose we can get into that in another entry.
