You know that book “The body keeps the score”? Bessel van der Kolk discussed traumas. A veteran returning from Iraq will be disconnected from his feelings: he would feel compassion towards a hurt child he reads about in the newspaper, yet feel satisfaction from killing dozens of kids during war. It may be why so many women are so mean to other females, or churchgoers so readily hurt others. The author also said there is a moment when we admit things are hard. That moment is key, as this is when the healing begins.
Since I stopped killing myself through overworking, it has been hard. Nightmares, tendencies to disconnect, numbness and somatic symptoms. I have been feeling like a veteran, having compassion for other wounded individuals while thinking “it’s my responsibility to suck it up”. But hey, seriously? What was so traumatising? I like my job and I am good at it.
First signs of this were there when I started working for a company that treated their employees like human beings. I pushed through, because I could not afford not to work. Ensuring my financial safety was a priority. At times, the work was intense and that was okay. Other days, there was very little to do, so I could not numb myself. I felt the pressing urge to fill the void with something. So I got myself more work. As it happened, there was not much work for me (some of being back-stabbed involved), so I started looking to originate some – a task well above my competences and position.
I could not be successful. I could not succeed at marketing unless I was comfortable with being visible. I could not connect with other people without getting in touch with my emotions. I could not bring energy to others without having that energy myself. I knew I was broken, so I was doing some heavy duty shadow work, reading psychology books, doing plenty of yoga and meditating. I drastically reduced my intake of meat, dairy and alcohol.
The traumatising bit was my struggle with my own resistance. If I miss the point of doing something, but I do it anyway, I am doing something against myself. But there was more, there was self-hate. A defense mechanism that has its source in self-love. I was receiving a lot of aggression from my caretakers, and joining them in the act of bullying lessened the blow. To protect myself, I would be mean to myself first, so that they would leave me alone. It worked, unfortunately it also stayed with me in my adult years. Causing resistance to doing anything I liked and was good at, resistance to anything that could improve my situation.
Now my situation has improved. I worked really hard to get here. I am relatively relaxed so the resistance has been overwhelming. Some days were completely wasted on struggle. So I could shame myself for being unproductive :] The more yoga I did, or meditation, or other means of assuring my own comfort – the bigger the resistance.
It is in fact helpful to explore different thoughts, ideas or patterns of why we do what we do. I did not see what exactly held me back. Why don’t I want to do what would make me succeed on my own? I would have never guessed I would bully myself so that I could ensure my childhood safety. How absurd is that? The point is, I did not know. I found out only after years of reading. If any of my therapists caught it, told me about it, I am sure it would go much smoother. No amount of cognitive effort would have done the trick. One cannot program themself for good self care. Elimination of thinking errors does not solve the problem, unless you uncover the underlying issue. Now, my newly found self love, self compassion is healing.
I found relief in having figured that out. My creative block is gone, my perspective has shifted and now I am peaceful if I can just be, with pleasure just reading books, drinking coffee or stretching my muscles. I no longer keep myself from socialising, an activity that always brought me a great deal of energy and happiness. No wonder I kept myself from doing it if it is so good for me. I interpreted it as a social phobia. It was a fear: fear of struggling with inner resistance.
We are not taught how to figure out our insides. There even is a saying, that right before a breakthrough, the resistance is the biggest. And some people dare to say that is when we should push harder. On the contrary, that is exactly when we should stop. And figure out what we resist. In fighting against ourselves, we always lose.
Like in that story about chopping wood. The lumberjack that takes plenty of breaks to sharpen his axe gets twice as much work done. That is when we can look at what we are doing, evaluate the direction, and take the best action possible. And question everything 🙂
