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If you are familiar with the basics of Karpman’s triangle, you might be interested in various movements around its circumference.

Some games can be played for a long time, flipping between various currencies of the conflict. Others may be short-lived and focused on just one subject. And then there is the intensity which marks the level of aggression. Regardless of the particular parameters, no one in the triangle feels well. However, they entered the game because it was easier than facing their own initial fears. It’s more likely than not they would shift around the triangle playing different roles over the course of the game.

The Rescuer may grow resentful of trying to help without getting praise and become a new bully for the Victim. Or the Rescuer may start bullying the Prosecutor who becomes the new Victim in need of rescue. The Prosecutor may feel guilty for his behaviour and turn into a Rescuer. He may also give up fighting and become depressed, turning into a Victim himself. Finally the Victim may decide to break out of its role, by defending whoever becomes bullied next, to be the hero who saves the day. The Victim may also dismiss the solutions suggested by the Rescuer using constant “yes, but”’ and coming up with a million excuses to reject Rescuer’s help, thereby becoming the Prosecutor of its Rescuer. It may also become resentful for being looked down on by either of the other two players and start bullying one of them. After all, the main difference between the Victim and the Persecutor is that the Persecutor is lonely.

This is the moment, where I wanted to jump into well developed ways of getting outside of the triangle, like the “Winner’s Triangle” (Acey Choy, 1990) or the Power of TED (2009). I just couldn’t shake off the impression they miss the point. The thing is, all three players are very much alike, all of them are neglected, they have no clue how to satisfy their needs and look for others to help them. The real antidote to the poison of the game lies in discovering how to deprive the players of their payoff. While we could argue what each player could appreciate in others, in reality each one of them needs to recognise that nobody owes them anything, they don’t owe anything to anyone but to take good care their own selves. While there might be some guilt, shame or exhaustion, players need to deal with that and nobody can do it for them.

I would like to highlight here how much such fatalities fade away when we take some time alone. Oftentimes one engages in the game when he undergoes some stress and stops thinking rationally. All these behaviours lack authenticity because they don’t really reflect the human self – they are merely defense mechanisms. We don’t get triggered or pressured when we are alone. We take perfect care of ourselves when we’re alone.

There is just one but. Drama often occurs in family settings. It’s easy to imagine a situation where one parent could bully the child, which would then be rescued by the other parent. Or otherwise, one could trick the child to become a bully and play the victim so that the partner could rescue his love at the expense of a child. Can you imagine the child playing the rescuer to one of the parents? That even has a name: parentification. Arguing couple may drag a third player into the conflict to make the tension more bearable when it’s spread around three individuals. Yet, the problem remains unsolved. When you think about it, drama triangle mechanism is in the heart of the dynamics described by John Gray in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. He implies females love behaviours typical for victims, while men love to rescue them, and this is the way to be. Which is only the case in the absence of equality, respect or accountability.

What may seem unpopular is that Victims actually have a choice. They have the most of it, for if it wasn’t for them, there would be no Rescuer. What may be true is they may be lacking the skills to resolve their problems. Learning requires effort. The problem may not really be a problem, it may be just an excuse to attract attention and care – which they may be very well capable of doing themselves. Simultaneously, the Persecutor should learn to react ealy on the breach of his boundaries, whereas the Rescuer may need to find some humility and recognise that there is no actual benefit to rescuing. He will need to look into his own business eventually.

It is up to every single individual alone to be assertive: to call out bad behaviours, bring some mechanisms up early and to enforce boundaries. Everyone’s solution can be a good one as long as their they take responsibility for their own part.

A lot has been said about the subject. If you’re interested in reading some more, you can check out some of the articles: switching the roles (here), games and solutions (here), excellent reflections (here), another good source (here), and the one with different examples (here).