Blog

So I said earlier this blog is about my road from now to the future. I was also hoping to share some stories. So here is one, a personal story.

“A man with passion cannot be controlled; it is impossible. Only the unhappy person can be controlled. The ecstatic person remains free, he cannot be reduced to the role of a slave.” – OSHO

Part one

I learned recently that I got myself into a relationship as a codependent. I ignored my feelings, as well as the circumstances. Any relationship with substance abuse in the picture is synonymous to hell. One of the means humans use to minimise the discomfort is an attempt to influence or control reality directly or indirectly, using encouragement or pressure. That usually leads to shit exploding. Now that we have established I am a codependent, I could properly research the subject. Yay, happy days!

The Internet is full of people looking for polarisation. There are narcissists and empaths (often described as their opposites), sociopaths and their victims, overly confident and lacking confidence, people aggressive and submissive, addicts and codependents. All of that is big bull. Most of the guides on youtube giving lectures about trauma bonding or spotting a narc, giving testimony about how they were poor victims (or empaths) that had to recover, all – well, not all but most – display narcissistic characteristics.

Every narcissist I met that was overly confident in some areas, was lacking confidence in others. Every so called “empath” I met was in fact narcissistic. There is only one quality that we should be looking to address in all this mess: disconnection. All the other things that we use as means to hide our discomfort and our imperfections, these are just tools: whether it is power (sociopaths), anger (aggressors), substance (addicts), external validation (codependents) or image (narcissists). We also have issues with control: perfectionists, compulsive eaters, anorexics. Oh, we also have workaholics, it is like a mixture of codependency and narcissism.

You remember Kavanaugh&Shostrom with their relationship games? We all are disconnected to a certain degree, playing roles that enable us to run away from authenticity. From feeling and from meeting for real. Not that Eric Berne did not say that already, or all of it was not a variation of a drama triangle, right?

I found one channel on youtube that seemed to be hitting the nail on the head and the girl does not seem to be making money on it. Let me introduce to you Journals of Codependent. In one of her videos she talks about dating assholes. See it here.

It is said most women date assholes and get taken advantage of until they learn their worth, which is around the age of 35. The author of the video identified the core of the problem as our struggle to accept our own flaws. We get attracted to assholes because there are parts of us we are struggling to accept.

This resonated with me so well. Just two days ago I refrained from saying aloud something really funny, because a man may not appreciate it. Just think about it for a moment. If he knew me for who I really am, he would not be hurt by me making a joke and if he had self-distance, he might even share the laugh with me. Mean sense of humour is observed in so many cultures and often decreases tension. Stand-up comedy in Poland was used exactly for this purpose: to laugh at political leaders in the socialist times. Some people even got their signature in mean jokes: Hugleikur Dagsson or France. But assholes expect women to be nice. What am I saying, the entire society fuelled by toxic masculinity, my parents included, expects women to be conveniently nice and fake.

Several years into my healing journey I came back to the place of putting myself first. I dated someone selfish who loved to enjoy life. So I simply mimicked him. I may not have picked up on drinking, but I made sure my life was special. I played the guitar every morning, did yoga, went out every night, talked to 5 strangers every day, travelled or surfed every weekend. I believe this state of mind has led me to grow, so that I could unfreeze and heal.

While on this beautiful wave in Bali I met a guy cheating on his girlfriend while travelling. He gave me a wonderful piece of advice. Advice you would give to your younger sister – I am still wondering why he did it for me.

“Don’t ever let a man get you into an uncomfortable position. And enjoy yourself.”

He was not wrong, Matthew Hussey talks about this in his videos and podcasts over and over again: give only as much, with what would be okay to look back at and say it was a nice adventure, if you were to walk away immediately after. Or something like this, just watch Matthew.

So we are here.

It was actually going well, I was enjoying nice adventures adding up to memories. There was a hiccup, it was bad, threw me off balance. Then there was another one, which I could not overcome by myself. But there are good sides to this situation. Resentment is a form of anger and anger is a very motivating emotion. Emotion that can get me back into that lovely flow I had after seeing A. With one correction – it is okay to be me. And I expect to experience a lot of discomfort as I learn how to manifest the real me.

I have a mean sense of humour.

I am terrible responding to text messages.

When I do not like something, I talk about it.

I have a better career story than most of the men I have ever met.

It is really hard to really impress me. If you see me impressed, I probably lied.

I love cats and I will get one (fuck off, dad).

I put myself first.