So I have finished the first training. Just this week I received my 200 hours teacher training diploma. All that I need to do is register with Yoga Alliance and start teaching. Or, alternatively, I can put on my humility hat, recognise that the learning has only just began and continue with 300 hours teacher training.
Before coming here I have heard that students often have breakthroughs during their trainings. They purge, they break down, they rise from the ashes. Nothing like that happened to me. If anything, maybe the dengue fever, which I have almost recovered from. Almost, as I still feel fatigued and want to sleep as much as possible. I am processing something though, my untethered enthusiasm towards the practice has dimmed.
Has anything changed in my life?
The lifestyle that we are having here helped me lose weight without any supplements. I am still consuming sugar every day, eating fruits, drinking chai with milk. I got a better grasp at what my daily practice can look like. Disillusionment, it is not as sacred as I imagined it to be. No wonder I could not keep it going. Self-practice means as much as drills. Testing out different poses or sequences to identify weak areas so that I could work specifically on that and get better every day. The good thing is, I could do that at 5am every day, turning my insomnia into something special.
When I started my training, I spoke with my teacher about the PMDD. What I like in here is that these people see everything as simple. There is an easy solution to every problem. PMDD may not be a complex issue impossible to untangle, which Westerners are trying to address by developing sophisticated medicine which meddles with fragile systems of our bodies. It may be as simple as excess heat that keeps pouring out without my control at various times of the month. And there are remedies for that – the pacifying diet, relaxed lifestyle and cooling activities. There are deities that are more comfortable with anger than others. They can be asked for help too. So I have found my spirituality. And then lost it again, only hoping that deities will not look into my heart and will not see my doubt. Was that not against the practice of yoga? Doubt is an action that we deliberately engage in and to practice yoga one has to believe.
For now I believe in yoga, as it has transformed my life and I have seen it transforming the lives of others. For some it may just be the asanas and nothing more. But continuous practice, showing up every day, already creates a shift in the mindset. Maybe my transformation is slow, maybe I have to endure the discomfort of the lost sense. Or maybe I am just unhappy because I was not taking SSRIs for a month and someone I care about does not like me as much now. I do feel blasé. It is not the best place to be to make decisions about my life. Yet here I am.
After a month of learning about self-development and yoga, my desire to read yoga-related books is very faint. Before coming here I imagined I would have all the exciting discoveries to share, all the wisdom I would write about. It is definitely not like that. Now I would rather read some adventure books, science fiction or fantasy. I feel starved of normalcy. What I would like to do now is watch TV-shows, bake cat-shaped cookies, go on walks in the forest, drink tea and grow plants. I miss going on weekend getaway trips in Poland, I miss checking out ice cream in small villages in Mazovia. I miss forests and campfires and my guitar. I miss cuddles. Maybe this is what I really need and want in my life? Not the big fancy ass career, or changing the world. I need and want my small community.
In the last 2 years I have been playing in my head with the concept of belonging. Trying to answer a question I have been asking over and over again. What should I really be doing? Making some space for life outside of work or finding some sense of purpose. That could help of course. But I think it is also about being really myself. Opposite of belonging is fitting in. In the big corporate world we need to make ourselves smaller, shrink so that we are not too different. I am so incredibly grateful for my friends. Of course I had to let some peoplego and these goodbyes were sad. But some others really make me feel appreciated for who I really am. Almost as if I could really contribute to their lives even though I have been so far away in the recent years.
What changes can I take home with me? If my current lifestyle does help me with my hormones, I will probably say goodbye to alcohol, chocolate, spicy food and coffee. I would probably incorporate daily practice into my routine. I would probably add relaxation techniques to my evenings. I would generally try to slow down and maybe, just maybe, add some creativity into my life. And start spending time with people. Even if that means making room for 5 strangers per day.
