“Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you’re not surrounded by assholes.” – someone on the Internet
How much of our feeling-happy is determined by chemical imbalance of the brain? Or perhaps nobody taught us how to properly address our needs? Or perhaps there is something we can change in ourselves, that could do the trick.
This is definitely a debate I have been having with numerous therapists. While they can’t give any advice, many times I have heard that changing my surroundings won’t help, it would merely provide temporary relief. They have a point in that we have this internal drive to address unfinished business, so one way or another we may self-sabotage ourselves again, until we resolve the shit. But then I wonder: isn’t learning how to take care of myself part of dealing with that unfinished job? To what extent should we raise above hardship and try to remain happy regardless of circumstances and at which point should we simply focus on addressing our needs? One could argue, in an abusive relationship I could learn to set boundaries and teach my partner to be assertive instead of abusive. But is this really my responsibility to teach him that? Isn’t setting boundaries the kind of exercise in which we leave if our requests are not met? I am a big believer in the balanced approach. I would not be someone who would order someone to do something and enforce the execution.
This is a problem: we want to relieve our symptoms but keep our environment and habits unchanged. Oftentimes we wrongly believe that we need to put the needs of other people above our own and we should learn to be happy no matter what. While I can enjoy the sunshine when it’s there, I still need to eat. I bet there were times when you were trying to take care of yourself, someone called you an egoist. Wasn’t this just a manipulative tactic aimed at getting you to do what they wanted you to do? Draw a line.
“When ye have a true need, hearken not to others’ greed.” – Wiccan rede.
Are you often upset? Do you cry a lot or get angry? Are you behaving in a clingy or controlling way? Are you having many conflicts with others? Are you unloading tension directly on others? Or indirectly, in a passive-aggressive way? Does your body react with an auto-immune response? Or perhaps you are trying to numb discomfort by engaging in addictive or compulsive behaviours? Have you ever wondered whether you’re depressed or discouraged from life?
I would like you to examine your conscience now. Try to evaluate, if you are properly taking care of each of them. And if you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, then think again.
Helping others before helping yourself is a compensating behaviour, when our basic needs are compromised. The most damaging problem is the one you don’t know you have. “In psychology, compensation is a strategy whereby one covers up, consciously or unconsciously, weaknesses, frustrations, desires, or feelings of inadequacy or incompetence in one life area through gratification or (drive towards) excellence in another area.” Little people realise, many of us fail to satisfy our needs, and this shows up on the outside, often unconsciously. You wouldn’t be doing something you don’t like to do, would you? 🙂 It may be helpful to think that every time someone around you is passive aggressive, they may be simply unhappy.
We deny our needs because that would require acknowledgement they are not met. That awareness can be very painful so we cover them up by burying them in the unconscious, where they wait to return in a far more frightening form later on. We may not be aware how to address our needs. That’s what therapy and meditation is for, to notice and validate our neediness and learn how to satisfy it. And realise – your needs are your duty. They have nothing to do with your real or perceived sense of worth.
Now, I’d like you to get yourself a token, a gift that will remind you of this moment at all times, and propose to your-own-self, promising to take good care of yourself, have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death makes you fall apart. And give up on the codependent shenanigans 🙂
Credit for this entry should be given to my dear and the best ever psychotherapist, Zak Powers – a man who helped me change my life and predicted I will be ok 🙂 If you are in Dublin and want to get in charge of your life, see the website. www.zakpowers.com
