This is just a quick one, to harvest my moment of flow and get some momentum in writing 😊
Being successful in a world these days often requires us to put on a masculine mask. It seems a bit like a plague of workaholism. Combined with stress, exhaustion and conditioning, I have been feeling a stuck in my masculine mode: achieve, achieve, achieve, be productive, be be productive! Even my head knows this is bad for me, hence my decision to abandon the workaholic world and do something more gentle instead. Of course I have had tendencies for workaholism that got me here, I would not have ended overworking otherwise. One of my friends noted some time ago that I tend to be one step ahead of everyone else. I would tend to hold others without allowing myself to be held.
These days I have been trying to process stuff, but eventually I would hit a wall. I processed a bit, and then I could not anymore. Then again some, and then nothing. Unhealthy masculine was also related to emotional numbness. I have been stuck, and that would make it hard for me to get into my feminine vibes, to dance, create and invite humour into my life. Or even read. I could try to sleep or clean my apartment – anything that required very little of me, while giving the illusion of me being somehow productive. A bit like depression, only it has not lasted long enough for a proper diagnosis.
Today I had a chat with a friend, where I admitted that I am struggling with going out, leaving the house. He was reading not just what I was saying, but also me, how do I say it, how do I look. Without me asking, without me giving him any permission to do so, he said he will try to get me out, even for a coffee or a walk at least once per week, because I need it.
He was authentic, without any hidden agenda. We are at a reasonable and a healthy distance as friends. With regards to this, I felt held. I felt so safe, that there is someone that cares and that I can rely on, that I was able to open up and let the emotions out. This was something that helped me process and heal. A flow of emotions has been pouring out of me like a river and has not stopped since then.
Every time I think about those instances that someone held me, this evokes a feeling of safety. There is quite a bit of unprocessed emotion that is waiting to be let lose, so at every such occasion, I burst out in tears. I see their act as an incredible kindness, goodness and character. That relates to my nanny, my therapist, my yoga teachers, some of the people I used to work with, some friends or family members.
I do recall one of my earliest dating memories being a reflection that relationships often look like a competition – but not for who gets to rule. For the reverse of decision making power. I win if I avoid making the decisions. Or at least it looks that way. Who would have thought that me losing that battle would be so detrimental for my health, or even dangerous?
I am thinking now about all those times when I was having suicidal thoughts or when I was not able to get up from bed. How many people are facing the same struggles? How many of them are taught to appear tough at all times? I hear this comment mostly about men, but as a female I can also relate. It is conditioning combined with fear: we must not let others see us in our weakness, let them hold us. Even if that could save our lives!
We need our tribes, we need to trust and meet other people. Even if we may feel introverted at first, if going out could be draining. We all need to be held every now and then. I need this. I want this for myself. I know only this way I could heal, grow and bloom. And I wish that for everyone that needs it.
