“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!” – Hunter S. Thompson
It is very easy to get trapped in the general concept of what we should be doing in life. Set direction brings us familiarity and comfort. It is not even that other people judge us. We judge ourselves, sometimes extrapolating from just someone’s loose comment. We take it as a guidance. Sure it is very appealing to buy into a happy dream of a steady life. We should be embracing all the in-betweens too.
Things are changing. Every generation’s definition of a relationship is different. Period life expectancy at birth in the mid-19th century was around 40 years. So that girl you met when you were 12, fell madly in love with, married at 22 – you got to spend maybe 20 years together if you were lucky. Current life expectancy is double that. So if you marry at 22, you are committed for the next 60 years of your life. No wonder we are more hesitant to get together! They say one changes their taste in things every seven years. Going through three different seasons together sounds maybe doable. Almost ten of them – near impossible. Especially if we are planning to grow as individuals.
Not everything is meant to last a lifetime. Every experience, every relationship with another person changes us. Some of them are meant to be short-lived. We do not own other people. Some people should not be together 🙂 That short-livedness at times may be a good thing. There is a beautiful three-movie set, “Before Sunrise“, “Before Sunset” and “Before Midnight“, which I like and touched on that 🙂 Actually, no! Scratch that, there’s a better one! “He’s not that into you“.
One of my friends gave me a gift: a pendant of the Seven Archangels. It is meant to bring you happiness, but not the kind of happiness that you think you want. It gives you what you need. A very humbling gift I must say 🙂 Sometimes you need to unwind or take a break. Sometimes you need a painful experience to appreciate what you have. Or feel like you have something to break the spell that you are under and appreciate what you do not want it in your life for much longer. But other people are not tools, there are no shoulds. They have their own stories, they will only work with us if our karmas are compatible. We are magnets for those that have issues corresponding with our own. (So there is no “they are the ugly ones, I keep meeting broken people”. You are broken. We all are.)
We realise our karma in relationships.
Or before that, on a therapists couch. Or during meditation, as some yogis would say. Some time ago someone I losely knew came clean about cheating on his wife (mother of two). It was a shock for me and my partner at the time. Clearly something like that would mean a loss of trust for either of us. But, for many people, that may be the only chance of happiness. Lowen in his book “Love, sex and your heart” brings up numerous stories, where someone may have a deep romantic love and respect for their partner, but not be able to really be themselves and for example to have an orgasm. Someone may still want to spend their life together… and really need to have sex with someone else. It is not just a matter of our complicated minds. As it turns out it is a physical set-up and it has its reflection in our health. Is accepting that a matter of emotional maturity? Maybe. My nanny shocked me when she advised that if I catch my man inflagranti, I should cover his feet with a blanket so he would not get cold.
Even the most seemingly toxic thing that we are doing has its reason. Like, why are girls attracted to bad boys – they free us from being “the good girls”. We choose our little pains. We may not be conscious enough to appreciate that and try to blame other people. Only to have another go at the circle of pain (if we choose to do so). We may find ourselves on the receiving end of that too. Repeat after me: You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
How do we clear our karma?
I associate karma with our ego, knots, little souvenirs of trauma that happened to us. We are drawn to what causes us pain and try to avoid it at the same time. This conditions our behaviour and makes us act in funny ways. These little things keep us stuck, despite our knowing better than that. Painbody, as Eckhart Tolle would say. The good thing, therapy and yoga can help.
I am doing EMDR right now. Certain memories create a certain emotional load that comes back every time we get triggered. That is, if we did not release that load properly, when the events occured in the first instance. Using EMDR (or any other shadow work tool) we integrate that load, release it and allow the free flow of energy through our memories. You can compare it to “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” – you cut out one memory after another, only you get to keep the pictures. You remember what happened and how it felt in the past. The problem is, while we may be able to release the stuck energy, we still have to go through the mourning process. We get unstuck, but that unfomfortable flow of feelings still has to go through us. And things turn out to be way more entangled than we would like them to.
In the Vedas not the bad deeds are really evil, or the unhappiness. It is the imbalance, too much of the good thing that is also bad, or even toxic. We need to have a bit of pain in our lives. That encompasses human experience, life as it comes. We learn that we are a mess, but we are okay with that. We learn to accept where other people are too. We learn to be in what is, not what our dreams or judgements would like that to be. Waves of things that come and go.
“And I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that’s what happens with me. – Okay.” – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
So ask yourself: what do you need right now?
You are going to get where you are supposed to be, so do your best to live in your present. It is not about showing people you are cool. You ought to genuinely enjoy where you are and stay with it. Look for the things that are pleasant to you, explore your own tastes, with authenticity. Well, maybe try to stay within the socially desirable set of behaviours, like maybe don’t murder people or don’t break the law 🙂
Doing the work, my ass. Prioritise laughter and play. How else are you going to get through with all the hard work? Some people you are going to meet are going to trigger you. And sure it is on you to work through that. If you run away ten times, sooner or later you will see how futile it is to run – and you will face your daemons. Make sure you are motivated to keep going.
“The best surfer out there is the one having the most fun.” – Phil Edwartds (the BEST surfer out there)
This may be why nature gave us endorphins. Something I love about surfing. You embrace the discomfort, learn how to surrender and get better at creating conditions for the flow. You relax, learn to be in tune with what comes, instead of fighting against it. You live in the now. You face your fears, and let’s be honest, you face your wants. While some of us may be overwhelmed by the magnificent ocean and the greatness of the waves, more often than not we are really afraid of what we are capable of. There is only one of you on the board. That moment you conquer yourself, this is the moment worth living for. Maybe a greater spiritual experience than in any religion 🙂
