There is one thing I have seen amongst proponents of polarised views of the world. They all make sense only if people deny parts of themselves. Feminist activists seem to be in denial about that part that relaxes when someone takes care of them. Traditionalists seem to be passive: missing empowerment and capability to shape their own lives. The issue I have with those views is that by validating only part of themselves they become unrealistic. And there are some truths that we need to face.
Women are often valued for the way they look, period. We are also being told we should not be valued for them. And that is confusing as hell. There is the aspect of looking young, unique, fit, fertile or feminine. There is also that side which tells us if we don’t act the right way, we can look all we want, it won’t help us. Then there is the matter of looking too sexy or not looking sexy enough. It seems a bit like being tossed around for something that is only part of ourselves. We pay attention to it – we are being told we are superficial. We do not pay attention to it – well, good look with that. Sounds familiar? Lose-lose situation 100%. But we cannot deny this occurrence.
One particular form it takes is slut shaming. It can be described as punishing women for not adhering to the norms when it comes to some standards of sexuality and behaviours related to their bodies. The problem with standards in the modern world is that our societies are incredibly complex and every social group values different things. Everyone belongs to at least a few groups. Conditions – they also dictate different behaviours. If we value our health, it would be pure stupidity to wear long trousers in 30 degrees Celcius heat. Wearing a bra in some situations could translate into skin burn and irritation. Also if we simply have fun while interacting with others, but do not want to jump into bed with a sociopathic male – he will slut shame us – for not being slutty! Which gets us to the heart of the problem.
Reign of Terror. This is a concept which I became familiar with in a history class, speaking about the French Revolution. The thing about terror is, you may get tortured and killed. Your loved ones might get killed. You have no idea why. Those in charge are just looking for an excuse. That makes you desperate to do anything to save yourself. It is not the actual execution that destroys you. It is the torture of living in fear. And this is what I believe toxic masculinity does.
Toxic masculinity is embarassing. Bullying someone when they don’t submit to us, or taking credit for someone elses’ work – all of that has to do with fractured egos and childishness. By the way, Lowen mentioned perfectionism about our bodies implies the fear of adult sexuality. Preference for bodies that do not have any fat, any hair, just the muscles and “perfect” posture, is in fact immature. What were the modern beauty standards again?
To everyone, including women, who engages in the witch hunt: Judging others is a means of creating space between ourselves and the other person. We do that to protect our insecure egos. When we judge and try to tell others what they are or are not we are acting on our fears. And that is hardly feminine energy.
Being put into double-bind hurts women. Hurt women deny parts of themselves. They would not let men take the lead, and then they would become unattracted to them as a consequence. This puts men in a lose-lose scenario. See, it goes both ways. Anyone in a lose-lose scenario either withdraws or rebels. Like for example, starts to bully the other gender. Now: it is cooperation and partnership that is really feminine. Femininity requires trust and courage.
There is a lot of health in traditional gender roles.
Of course, there are things that women can do that men cannot do. And there are things that men can do that women cannot do. We are interdependent. Women claiming they are independent, are wrong. Men claiming they are independent are also lying. We need each other. We may be afraid of admitting that because of another tool of terror – being called “needy”.
We are often called “needy” when we ask for more than the other person is willing or able to give us. Wanting men to give us something they cannot do and not appreciating what they can offer. Or the other way round: wanting women to change and refusing to be nice. And bullying our partners, both genders.
If we seek actual compatibility, we need to agree on what we need. We may choose a setting in which a woman takes care of the home and a man makes money. Or, a man may prefer to nurture his woman by cooking for her, while she fulfills her dreams of shaping the society professionally. In fact, all of us know some popular and excellent male cooks: Anthony Bourdan, Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Olivier, John Mitzewich, Robert Makłowicz. And we have some great examples of women in power that fared much better than any man would and did it in a very feminine way: Angela Merkel, Indira Ghandi, Margaret Thatcher, and yes: Evita Peron (technically not in charge, but screw Juan Peron, she was the one).
Just to be clear: when a woman reaches the top of an organisation and gets promoted to a managerial position, but acts in a bossy way, bullying others, she does nothing good to change the world. She cements the toxic masculinity and denies parts of herself while bringing little value added to the culture of the company. She carries the same message, she submits to the culture that keeps dismissing feminine qualities.
Feminine means nurturing. Nurturing to yourself and to others. There is little point in trying to be feminine if we have some self-hatred in us. Hatred is the opposite of vulnerability, being real, cooperative or honest. Feeling of hate blocks the creativity, partnership, communication, exchange of ideas. Feminine qualities could mean diligent work, inclusivity, attention to detail, cooperation and embracing the humanness: whole spectrum of life as well as work-life balance which enables us to recharge from time to time.
Make space for men in your life and stop telling them they are not needed. But also, be difficult. Ask for things that would make you happy. Ask for cooperation, enabling, partnership and equality. Ask for things that let you nurture yourself. Don’t try to fight for them, simply ask. Men need to be needed. Let them compete for us, not against us.
One bit about me.
- I grew up with the mindset that everything related to being bullied as well as protecting myself is my responsibility.
- When I was a teenager, I was slut-shamed and had no idea this was some hurt male ego. All the insinuations about my sexual purity used openly in the classroom were just a shit-storm some guy started in attempts to dominate me. Plus maybe some by-standers that took the chance.
- As a young adult I had little idea that I can say “no” and sex after alcohol does not imply consent.
Years of therapy changed that. Newly acquired skills help me create my own reality. More importantly, I started to consider how I feel. I used to feel guilty about my helplessness. This combined with anger helped me grow, but did not resolve the situation I should not be forced to face in the first place. Being harassed after alcohol by a workmate can still be difficult. Getting out of the situation in a way different than making an argument, seems to be earning me respect and I find that confusing. I think this is wrong. Let me be clear: if abuse happens and nobody does anything about it, it is fucked up.
It is not that these qualities are not valued. I was told to be soft and submissive: never stand up against abuse, be responsive to others. And that led me to being taken advantage of, over and over again. Missing out on opportunities for higher pay, promotion at work or letting people have it their way. Note I said responsive to others, not vulnerable. Vulnerability requires speaking up in light of discomfort. How can I be feminine if I constantly get taken advantage of? We said women need to leave some space for men in their lives. Here is the chance for men to let us be feminine: take care of us and ensure equality.
And both genders should just take ownership of our lives.
