I have a Goddess inside of my heart
I have a Goddess inside of my soul
I have a Goddess inside of me
And she has been waiting.
What I am experiencing would be some kind of feminine renaissance. There is no better place to have it than India.
I feel like the goddess within me is awakening from her sleep. And not just on the superficial level. Like I said in my previous entry, my usual go to options are somewhat limited, without the hair dresser, nail polish or make-up. But I am nurturing, playful and opening up to receive the beauty of what surrounds me. I see the flowers, smell the incense, taste the fruits and feel the sun caressing my skin. It feels nice to to have some familiarity with the surrounding area, people knowing exactly what coffee I like, the lady selling fruits being really excited to see me. My favourite restaurant preparing food just as I like it. Even the customers sharing friendly hellos – students of some other yoga schools, that chose to abandon Christmas customs and do chataranguas instead.
You know why women are rigid and guarded? They have been hurt, usually by a male quality (a feminine softness would receive the hurt and help it dissolve quickly). And it is relatively difficult for them to let go, because there is unhealed wound that did not land well. Letting go would mean risking further pain. To heal it, she needs to feel safe, supported and heard. Then she could open up, embrace the emotion and let the Goddess do her magic. Only then she could share some of that magic with her man. I think this defensiveness that she jumps into is the main source of the power play, so devastating for any relationship. Maybe the power play is not something that has to happen? A flaky man will say “tell me what to do, now you make a plan and I will do what you say”. Masculine side would rather want to rebel, not give in, as that would mean giving some of his power away. By taking on the task of coming with a plan now also she has lost, as this takes away her capacity to feel and heal. This takes away all of her safety.
That “Aha” moment that let me understand, it is my feminine hurt and jump to protect myself when my PMDD speaks up and things escalate. I am deeply feminine and hurt or stress makes me contract inside. Something I no longer want to experience in my life.
No need to look back at the ivy limiting my movements. I am safe here. I have done well to protect myself and now I can rest. Now is the time for me to be open, joyful, soft and playful. Things will play out just fine, no need to plan anything. The right guidance will come in the right time and the right people will help me to feel safe. I very much appreciate my dear friends and family that provide support and care for me when I reach out, when I need them.
I know there is plenty of more beauty to come follwing this realisation, joy and pleasure, after my graduation 🙂
