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“Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate.” / “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” – Dante Alighieri

Relationships help us grow as individuals – in a different way than some of us think. They don’t guide us directly, only show us where we are wrong. We may hope that someone will show us the path, but the thing is, we need to find our path ourselves.

Codependents look on the outside, as if they did not feel confident in their own capabilities to decide. They do not hear their own voice and look to others to draw the trajectory and calibrate them. It can be worse, they could be narcissists, attached to a certain vision of themselves, looking to others to confirm their grandiosity and escape their reality.

Looking on the outside may lead us dangerously close to getting stuck in a transactional trap. We live our lives alone. We are born alone and we die alone, nobody can do that for us. We can’t really blame others for when things don’t go the way we would like either, because most of the shit we brought on ourselves alone.

Many of us have this idea of finding someone who would complete us as a partner or who will help us grow. It is one of the reasons why marriages fail. We are often attracted to those that reinforce the ways in which we are damaged (experiment described in “Families and how to survive them” by John Cleese and Robin Skynner‘s). We attract people resembling our childhood caretakers – especially the one we have the most unfinished business with. 

In romantic relationships we seek love for the dysfunctional and traumatised parts of ourselves. What we should have gotten as children, we expect our partners to provide. We have some false beliefs that keep us stuck. Thanks to them we feel comfortable in scenarios that are bad for us. We are wrong but we believe otherwise, so the lesson repeats. We are attracted to people that trigger our wounds. The good news is, as our wounds get exposed, we have an opportunity to find love within and to address our pain.

We are responsible for ourselves. Our time, attention and energy should be primarily focused on ourselves. We need to develop our own strong sense of self. Treat ourselves with positive regard; avoid enmeshment. As adults we should keep our hygiene: eat healthy and regularly, exercise, sleep well and steer clear off substances. And do our inner work. Become the BIG O.

No man is an island

Then there come those moments when we are in pain. When we are overwhelmed and the amount of shit to deal with is just a lot. It is okay to reach out to others for help. That help won’t be what we think it may be. Nobody can find a job for us or teach us exactly the right stuff we need at that moment. Nobody can clean our mess. But someone can hold us in our arms when we cry.

We do not have to be brave alone. We are not alone, even if it may seem like that. We meet others on the way. We can invite them over and get invited and this is okay. We can dance together, cuddle or hold each other in vulnerable moments. It is okay to be held and cry – we are doing the crying, but we are not really alone. We may have had hard times as children. As we mature, we can share our childhood experience with others. And then it is no longer lonely. We can carry it together. And that is how we can heal. 

It can be tempting to assume we are lonely because we are special and unique and no one can really understand us. How narcissistic is that! True our language is shaped by our experiences and not every message will be received as intended. Others will have their own interpretations of our words. It tends to our egos – we feel this void, this emptiness because we are unique.

Emotional bonds are necessary for our survival. Good relationships with others are the best recipe for good health and long life. They are the key to happiness, making us resilient to stress, trauma and depression. We are herd animals. While we can’t be connected to others all the time, and sometimes even in difficult moments, we may need to rely solely on our internal resources – it is okay to reach out to others and seek comfort in their company. Sometimes this may strengthen the bond and make both people richer.

See, these are two sides to the same coin.

We need to find balance and make sure we are fair to others in what we ask for. That we also give back and don’t just take. We need to be fair to ourselves in deciding what we are willing to give and whether we remember to care for ourselves before the exhaustion. It may be good to understand some things can’t be given – and if they were, this would work to detriment both the giver and the taker.

We are the only ones that can find the right path to walk on.