As I write this entry, I hear in my head in the loop “Ready to go” by Republica. You can hear it too 🙂 Full experience, hey!
What are we looking for in a mate? Depends on the purpose, no? If all you need right now is someone to have fun with, by all means, look only for the physical characteristics and a sense of humour. You could also be connecting solely for the purpose of having or making the money. The money making partner may need someone to nurture them and do the laundry while they break the bank. You could be mating for the status. In this case you need someone who is influential and nice-to-have in public, that is a good addition to your own spread of influence. Thinking about this, I would probably be the least likely to end up in such a marriage 😀 Hail to the inappropriate sense of humour and unconventional values! (Hail Eris! Hail 23!)
Looking for someone to grow old with, I would focus on just a few things. Truth be told, as I was looking at it, I did so much of my own laundry 🙂 It all comes down to the same thing: are you ready?
The wrong guy:
- Has his growth vector pointing downwards.
Big one for the start. You need an ambitious man that strives for becoming a better man every day. How can you tell? Deteriorating man has a negative outlook on life, is blase and complains a lot. Look around. Most females care about fulfilment, even at the expense of convenience. Yet they remain happy, because they achieve goals and grow. If a man is a growler, he does not aim high. His vector is pointing downwards, your values misalign and such a relationship is difficult to maintain. That does not mean that vector is going to stay like that forever. But that is not up to you 🙂
- Has destructive habits.
Maybe not all bad habits are addictions. Certainly there are many to choose from! One can be addicted to a substance or a behaviour (or to a substance that behaviour creates in our brain). It can be workaholism, sex, or even obsession with music. More likely than not, all of them are just distractions from anxiety and other discomforts. They are attempts to regulate internal states by external means. Someone said drugs and alcohol make us feel the way we should be feeling without them. So if a man has a habit like that, he may have a wound he has yet to work on, some outstanding karma to sort out. That is his job and his alone. You can be his cheerleader, but do not bet your own happiness on it, and look for someone else in the meantime.
- Is not ready for a relationship.
He enjoys where he is right now and does not want to change it. It does not mean there is something wrong with him. There is nothing to fix or criticise (“Peter Pan” label comes from pop-psychology, it is an expression of frustration rather than a real thing). If he is not ready, he is not ready. There is no timeline for that, he might never be (there is some discussion about this in the Vedas/Bhagavad Gita). If you are romanticising waiting for him, remember: only you can make you wait.
Believe me when I say it, when you meet someone who wants to settle down, things will be different. There will be no games, no waiting or pretending, no engineering “how not to startle him by being too forward”. Once you meet someone who knows they can do anything; someone who is ready to create something more, maybe have a family (or not, you do you), they will overcome any obstacle on their way and make sure you are happy with them. That someone will come, as soon as you stop wasting your time on those that have different priorities, are not ready or straight out do not want the same things.
The wrong girl:
- Cannot control her emotions.
It is very rare that someone deserves an emotional outburst. If we think it is justified, chances are, we may be projecting our own issues outwards. Sometimes we have triggers all over the place that make us overreact. The receiving party has very little ability to alleviate our discomfort. If we feel bad, it may sometimes be our own fault. Check-in with yourself – do you eat healthy, exercise, sleep a lot and avoid stress?
Men are extremely sensitive. Receiving criticism and negativity from a girl can be challenging by the very nature of it. It is important to deliver all sorts of messages in an efficient manner. If we get too loud or too harsh, men go into overdrive or distortion, they stop processing anything at all.
We need to position ourselves in a situation that makes our communication work. Make sure that your guy is motivated enough to really want to make you happy. If he does not really care and you want him to care – chances are you have very little efficiency, as the entire dynamic is f*ed up. Also you have to have a reason to respect him. If you are looking down on your man, I cannot imagine the sex life… Are you addicted to unhappy relationships? Check out “Women who love too much”. Pardon the comparison, but if you ever tried any kind of animal training, you should know that the motivation should be of the pet, not of the trainer.
While we could argue there is no motivation due to the availability of sex these days, I believe this matters less than is feared. Mature men want something more than that. Nothing can replace the authentic thing or the fulfilment, we all want to be loved. I will come back to this towards the end of the entry.
- Is afraid of men.
I find this one hilarious, as we attract what we fear. Even though we may be afraid of men, or of something that they could do (like, breach our boundaries), this is exactly when we find ourselves being surrounded by them in abundance. Sometimes such women often aggressively try to assert their independence. It usually signifies a childhood wound of some sort. Don’t get too excited, not necessarily outright abuse, can be neglect or abandonment. Fear kills intimacy, it is the antithesis of love. I can imagine a situation where a man could potentially be of help in such a situation, but it is just like the addictions that men have. You cannot do the work for her.
- Is self-obsessed.
It is our girly version of not being ready. Just like the guys, we may never be. Or we might, sooner or later, you never know. Some girls really take a long time before moving on from this one. Soft skin, big eyes, great hair, tender boobs, beautiful dress, fit body – especially in the moments we can embrace the magic of all that, is nice. There is a lot of joy in being female.
I have to intercept: the YTT changed me. I will forever after remember that vamana (practice of vomiting on demand, done on the empty stomach once per week, one element of the panchakarma in yoga) is “good for the womens”, as it “tightens the facial muscles” and “makes our skin glow” 😀 Thank you Arvind! <3
In being feminine we aim to remain soft, creative and inspired in some way. Femininity helps us to simply be ourselves and treasure the feels. It may be somewhat problematic, if we value only that and refuse to put down the goddess gawn even for a moment.
If someone communicates to you in plain words a “no”, believe them. Rejecting someone is hard as it is, so if someone sends mixed signals, but verbally tells you this would never work out, have some respect and let them be. As a fawn trauma responder – I blame myself for making people uncomfortable. Not a big fan of leading people on or being sexually abused though, so I really need my “no” to be heard. And if you think you are “making progress” with me – you are not. Other people have their own reasons. Respect a boundary when you see one.
Modern days introduce some unobvious challenges to the dating world. Hindu astrologers would probably attribute them to Rahu and Ketu – the troublemakers, the unexpected distortions that make things interesting. Just like playing the Chinese Whispers, you never know what will come back. So we have changes to the sex drive, we have hyper-independent women, we have overstimulation and laziness.
The change of roles creates confusion, but I believe this is temporary. Actually, let’s dedicate a moment to biological differences between genders and how our behaviours influence that. It is good for men when they have more testosterone. It is good for women when they have more estrogene. Testosterone increases when we accomplish something, solve a problem, win a challenge of some sorts. Estrogene increases when we receive something for nothing other than simply being. That is exactly why boys ought to be praised for what they accomplish whereas girls ought to be praised for the way they are. When a man has a low testosterone level and high estrogene, he becomes flaky and hysterical. When a woman has low estrogene level and high testosterone, she becomes aggressive. Well, studies show if she has slightly elevated levels of testosterone, she is aggressive, while if it is just very very high, she may remain calm. I do realise I am not solving anything here – I just find it fascinating 🙂
I see women looking down on masculinity. I see men disconnecting from it as well. Other people may have better ideas than me about the reasons, or what to do about that. But I think there is room for healthy masculinity, and I see that men are really trying. They will come up with something that will eventually work, even if this comes in the form of Harry Potter or Geralt of Rivia. (Please be Geralt! Preferably shirtless:) happy to learn witchcraft if required! Or Pedro Pascal, pretty please?)
One might think a date is a perfect opportunity to see if the person you are seeing has any of the undesirable features mentioned above, and show your best self. THEORETICALLY. My dates never went according to the plan. Hit me up for “hilarious ways to spoil a date” 🙂 Not everyone is easy to get to know. And I love that!
Applying for a job in Investment Banking, my CV had less than 5 minutes to get somebody’s attention and deliver my experience, skills, as well as the human side. I would mention scouting, surfing, yoga, my apple trading company and my African roots on my resume 🙂 I would talk about Ireland and how deeply I loved my little family of team members. On a date, you are also trying to show that 3D picture of you, in just a few minutes of the first impression. People do not like to be convinced, marketing never works. What you are looking for is connection. Good time had together, even if the intention is to never repeat the experience. I remember the wrestling during the interview, not the universities of my subordinates. Unless they graduated Trinity College, duh! 😁
Sometimes you meet someone blase that already made up their mind about you. They may be too lazy to get to know you and never get invested enough to make it happen. Endless swiping makes us tired. There is little you can do about their decision fatigue, but you can remove the pressure from the process. Have fun in everything you do and embrace where you are. The grass is greener where you water it 🙂
