Many themes in life evolve around the subject of how much value we attribute to ourselves and how much we attribute to other people. Unsurprisingly, the way the others treat us has a lot to do with what we think about ourselves. Also, the way we treat other people has to do with what we want to think about ourselves.
A person with self respect is the kind of person that satisfies their own emotional needs independently of others. It is maybe good to note that we still need to be open to the influence from the outside, otherwise it may be dangerously close to the narcissism🙂
How do we lose self-respect?
When somebody breaches our boundaries. AND when we breach other people’s boundaries (already a sign of low self-respect). Boundaries need more than just being stated. They have to be effective, otherwise we might as well label them just “obstacles”.
Giving unsolicited advice, diagnosing without being asked for it, judging – all this also qualifies. May be intended as a way to feel better about ourselves, but the effect is the contrary. Since we know other people’s opinions have nothing to do with us, and tells everything about themselves, it should not surprise anyone that criticising others (perhaps unconsciously) is meant to make us feel better.
When we try to prove something to someone. When we do something against our inner calling, just for the show or for other people. When we try to earn love, that is when our boundaries get blurred. Even trying to compare ourselves to other people.
When you feel not good enough, you think you have to earn attention. Your beliefs lead you to the reinforcing situations. You attract what you fear. I am really scared of sexy bearded tattooed men. (SORRY! I just had to.)
How to gain self-respect?
This book may be an inspiration. You need to respect your body, take care of your health, of your needs and looks. You have to respect your parents. Even if their gift to you was toxic af, you must find a way (even from afar), as home is where you came from. You also need to keep your word, given to yourself as well as to others. And the reverse, what other people promised to you. Forgive and forget, so you can walk freely. Finally, we build it when we do something in line with our heart’s calling, againsts other people’s expectations. We do our own thing even when we know somebody is going to dislike us for it.
Just as the body needs oxygen to survive, the soul needs integrity. We feel it in our gut, deep inside that the actions we undertake are honourable. It is a personal choice – consistent commitment to honour your values. Self respect has a lot to do with it. Probably the best question to ask is, do I stand by my decisions and accept the consequences? Fundamentally, we are seeking the truth.
Like Maslow’s pyramide, integrity has layers
Once you manage to behave truthfully and fairly, honouring the body and the asks of others, you find out there is more to the story. More integrity comes, when you do what you really crave and your real potential is. You need to act in line with yourself. Not just the wants, whims or unfulfilled needs that lie underneath them.
Working in finance I got plenty of my needs satisfied. I may have needed the recognition, to feel the importance of what I was doing, or the thrill of emotion that comes with the big transactions. I felt the belonging to the group of respectable adults and I had plenty of fun. Still, there was a part of me that knew it was not enough. I was not living up to my full potential. And that pushed me into bore-out. Not that the work was not challenging. It was developing only some parts of me, not even coming close to other bits that excite me. It was more than the FOMO fatigue. I was certain I am at the wrong place and I felt envy, a powerful teacher. I knew that the doors I want are open somewhere else. Sometimes the wrong train opens the right doors though.
Survival over integrity
It is impossible to have integrity when you have CPTSD. How can you tell if what you hear is your gut or just a trigger? Also, there is the fawn response. As we grow up, we may not be given the right reference, we may now know whether our stance is normal. We may not know what normal is. We need to keep updating our truth as we learn to understand ourselves, how to read emotions and act accordingly.
The voice inside, if it sounds like a scream, may get numbed in many ways. We disconnect. In almost all paths chosen, what can be observed is obsession. It is an idea, emotion or impulse that repetitively and insistently forces itself into consciousness even though it is unwelcome. You can see it expressed by perfectionism. It is a distortion to the creative processes.
Much of this we know thanks to the works of Barbara Killinger who beautifully talks about Workaholics. She shows how we seek escape from the discomfort, but also discusses how important it is to retain integrity. Once it is lost, it gets bad. You may not be aware of that: you are fair towards others, right? But there is also this bit of being fair to yourself. And, more importantly, respecting your souls calling. Just like many other therapists of that generation, Killinger makes a point of seeking comfort in spirituality. Admitedly, it is hard to give up control if you are lacking the faith that you won’t fall back into chaos.
I think there is something more important. Once you listen to your instinct and play out the things you secretly crave, it fuells you. It gives you the energy that helps you overcome the resistance that you may have in your existing life. That energy gives you the ability to play, one of the fundamental human needs. Once I lose my sense of humour, then I know the problem is really big.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ― Howard Thurman
