This is definitely a more descriptive set of entries than I would normally have. Travelling has always been a time for my introspection, I even brought a notebook that was supposed to be my diary. I had no time or mental capacity for it, 13 hours of classes per day are not nothing. It is a different way for me to experience changes, evaluate my life and only feel, without judgement or modifying the intensity with journalling.
India has surprised me with cold nights. Some logistical challenges, last night was so nice to warm my feet in hot water (which we have at certain hours only) and stay under 4 blankets in bed with a book (such a way to celebrate Christmas Eve! Lol). Weakened immune system, something I do not like. Especially now, I have two classes to teach in order to graduate. I would rather focus on my sequence.
One surprise about sitting outdoors (other than chilliness) is the monkeys. I think the temperature is making them hungry, every day I witness numerous incidents of monkeys stealing food (also from me!). I think two monkeys were shot yesterday. They are also very active at night. Just imagine if you had a balcony or a garden but you could not leave anything outside or else an intruder could fall from the sky and take it, whether you are present in the room or not. Is it like that staying outdoors in Europe too? Stories about birds or weasels stealing small objects, storing them in treas nearby. Maybe the difference is, here everything is outdoors. And monkeys are everywhere.
My practice is improving. As with any other area of growth in life, I welcome it with joy and with occassional awkwardness. You know that bit when you jump from downward facing dog to dandasana in Ashtanga Vinyasa? I was not able to do that. I think losing some weight enabled me to finally jump through. However, now I do not know what to do with my toes when I land. And because I am doing a lot, I am noticing progress even on the days of rest. Practice, practice and everything comes.
Their English is far from perfect, but understandable. It makes it sound beautiful to me. I know I could correct their words into proper Oxford English, but the imperfections make it personal. Some phrases I have heard so many times and have motivated me to push forward and become better in what I do, that their sound brings up certain emotions and memories. Something to lean against so that I could become stronger and better with my own practice. Something becoming part of me, like a tool I can later use on my journey. Very empowering.
I appreciate Indian culture and all the beautiful differences. I could not live here though. The problem with travelling is, you are from nowhere now. You grow out of your home place, you do not belong anymore. But as you come to the new place, you bring your experiences from your past and places you have seen so far, different perspective, so you are the foreigner too. I may be getting old, I want to just read my books, eat and practice.
After this, after I send my books and some clothes back to Poland, say my prayers at the Ganga, I will go to Varanasi. I am not very excited about Varanasi, I think the fatigue colours everything dark. What will I do there? It is noisy, like everywhere in India. And the food is spicy. But I will have the time to calmly meditate, to seek spirituality and my feminine side. Recent realisation, it has been two months without make up, without paying attention to my looks, without nail polish or any consious play with men, related to my attractiveness. I know some people in the village nearby like me and my blond hair, that is about it. I miss feeling attractive, I miss being feminine, spending time on my body, in other ways than workout. Maybe this can soften me enough so that I can let the Goddesses into my heart? Or maybe they were always there, never left and took care of me when my head was exploring other things.
I will have some time to recharge in Kerala. I have heard so much! You know, Shantaram? Even there it is referred to as a lovely place to run away to and forget about life. Like in the Chronicles of Amber, just find escape in a different dimention, so that you can gather strenght.
One more month in India. I am looking forward to seeing what it brings.
